Feelings
Feelings are your algorithms and their make-up are like no one else's in the world. They are one of the many things that make you so unique. - Gordon Clay "Fine" is not a feeling. It's an acronym for multiple feelings. If a man says "Fine", it means he's furious, isolated, numb and empty. If a woman says "Fine", it means she's feeling freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional (Italian Job movie). - Gordon Clay
Related
issues: Suicide. I Wish
I Knew Now What I Knew Then Once upon a time, long, long ago, men knew how to express their true feelings. And, women did too. That was in an era when parents took time to be with us, as children, to hold us and carry us around, on their bodies. When we were upset, we expressed it and our parents understood. When we were hungry, they could tell, and responded. When we were rambunctious, our feelings were put up front over our parents' need for quiet, or for adult conversation. Along time ago, we knew how to express these true feelings. And others knew what those feelings meant. We were understood. As the centuries passed, the needs of the adults took priority. Adult activities, with other adults, got more attention. They invented things like cribs and strollers, and we children lost that human contact with our parents when we were very, very young. To get attention, we had to change our "true" feelings to ones that got us noticed. Expressing how we really felt, we quickly learned, was unacceptable. So we would try different tacks. If one didn't work, we tried another, until we found the one that brought attention. Not always positive attention, but at least it was some attention. If we were around adults who didn't respond in a healthy way to our true expressions, we had to learn different ones to feel safe, get attention, get what we need. And, if we were in a family with generations of violence in its past, we might have even learned that attention by getting hit was okay, too. It wasn't really okay, of course, but our need for attention became so great that we told ourselves that it was. After generations of violence, we may even have confused being hit with receiving love, since our deep, deep craving for physical touch was so great and violence was our only experience with that human contact. We kept telling ourselves, "I know they love me. Maybe if only I were a better child, they wouldn't hit me." The good news is that each of us were born with all of our true feelings intact. We knew then what our true feelings were. And, we naturally expressed them: discomfort when we were uncomfortable, anger when we weren't getting the attention we wanted, fear when we were afraid. We let the world know it. But, then the adult messages started coming in that told us that our natural, honest expressions of our feelings didn't, in fact, reflect the way we "really" felt, after all. Messages like "Stop crying. There's nothing to be afraid of." And, we came to believe, that we really couldn't trust our own feelings to be true. We decided we must learn, very early on, to stuff those "true" feelings, for the appropriate adult feelings. As we grew older as boys, we quickly got new messages around feelings. If we were afraid, instead of being allowed to show our fear and release it, we got the message to "Act like a man". If we hurt or were in pain, the message was "Be tough." That meant, stuff the feeling, and act like it's not there. And, if we were sad we were told, "Big boys don't cry" or we were shamed by being called a "cry baby." So, we quickly learned that it wasn't okay to express fear, hurt or sadness but it was okay to numb out or express anger ("Boys will be boys"). Numbness and getting mad were really our only two feeling options. After a while, we may have learned to explode in a very violent manner or to continue to maintain the deep hurt, sadness or pain. Some of us kept it long enough to allow it to eat away at us from the inside in the form of cancer, ulcers and many other diseases. Girls growing up got a different message. Don't ever get angry. If it wasn't the message that "nice girls don't get angry" it was the threat of violence in reaction to her anger. Some threats were physical, others emotional. The girl growing up soon learned that she could displace the "true" feelings of anger with sadness or fear, which often led to acting out in a passive-aggressive way or manifesting depression, migraines, menstrual cramps, or even anorexia. When these displaced feelings get acted out in a coupled relationship, you can see how confusing it can become. When her "true" -- deeply felt but unacknowledged -- feeling is anger but she expresses the "displaced" feeling of sadness and his "true" feeling is hurt or fear but he "displaces" it with anger, the road to intimacy becomes blocked. And that intimacy will remain blocked as long as the "true" feelings of anger, hurt and sadness are withheld or inappropriately expressed. This can manifest in a very unhealthy scenario. I'm sure you have heard someone say, "We had a big fight last night and the sex afterwards was really great!" What's going on here? The truth is, that's the only way this couple knows to get through the layers of anger. But in fact, it's not necessary to have a fight to have great sex, when you can take other steps to release the repressed anger, and get in touch with the "true" feelings that are going on. Many people are afraid, and say something like: "Getting in touch with my true feelings will change things and I won't know the outcome in relationship," or "I won't know what to expect," or "I might lose 'control'". All of these worries are founded in reality, and yet without experiencing our own "true" feelings, we're left in a very confusing world. Getting in touch with these feelings might be scary. For most people, the scariest feeling to look at is anger. "I might explode", "I might destroy everything around me", "Others might not like me", are some of the common fears. Society has placed anger on its Great List of Taboos, calling it dangerous and unhealthy. The confusion is that anger, like love, is a feeling, not a behavior. (This is a common misconception. Many confuse the feeling with the way people behave, when these are very different things. The expression "If you loved me, then you would...," refers to an expected behavior, not the feeling of love.) So, because we so connect the feeling of anger to the behavior of violence, we have learned many different ways to cope. Unfortunately, many otherwise healthy techniques for stress reduction are in fact very unhealthy when we use them for the wrong reason, namely, as a way of calming the anger within us. Some examples of this are: diverting the mind, numbing out, getting grounded, surrounding ourselves in white light, prayer, yoga and meditation, to name a few. Other things we've used to avoid expressing anger and other feelings include substance abuse, working harder and sexual addiction. And while there are definite benefits to yoga, meditation, grounding, prayer, when you apply them as a solution to release anger, they're just another way we try to trick the mind so we don't have to deal with this feeling. It remains locked in the body and the emotional system to come out even stronger, later, in a different, unrelated situation. So, you can see why anger needs to be expressed -- moved through the body and out of the energy system using appropriate behavior. There are many ways to appropriately express anger without going into some form of violent behavior. Dancing energetically while shaking (keeping fists open), lets anger move through you. Where appropriate, yelling or screaming at the same time is very valuable. Where that's not appropriate, screaming into a towel or pillow helps. Even in the office, a trip to the rest room and screaming while completely covering your mouth with your hands can remove the anger's presence from your body without stuffing it. Wringing a towel is also good if you don't see it as someone's neck, but hitting a racquetball, punching bag, pillow, bataka bat or any system that reminds and reinforces a violent message in the nervous system, is not appropriate, for two reasons. One, the fist is usually closed which doesn't allow the anger energy to escape through the hands, and second, with each hit comes the message of violence to the nervous system. We already have enough of these messages constantly bombarding us. Bringing them in in such a direct way is not healthy. If you still feel that it's okay to hit pillows or throw things against walls, look at the message you might still be carrying from childhood. The parent's message "This is going to hurt me more than it is you," was one that the child's subconscious mind often turned into "I'm sorry I'm hurting you when you have to punish me for being bad. I really want your love." And, with that message, transferring the adult to a pillow or punching bag and hitting it might seem perfectly okay as a subconscious way of receiving love. It may require taking a hard look at why it seems okay, so that you can really get clear on what the act of hitting tells your nervous system. What we found working with angry but non-violent people was that when they started hitting things to release the anger, it started feeling good and the distance between hitting and not hitting became compressed, the line thinner and easier to step over. As you can see, "true" feelings have been part of you and everyone that came before you, but over time got "displaced" and denied until none of us really know how we're feeling. So, how are you feeling right now? Fine? What does that mean, fine? Fine seems to work much better to describe the coarseness of sandpaper rather than feelings. When a woman says "Fine", I often see in her the energy that translates into, "I'm Frustrated, Irate, Nervous, and Empty." And from a man, the translation seems to say I'm Furious, Isolated, Numb and Empty." How often we all feel "empty", looking outside for something to fill us up, give us approval, make things better. Better to "fill" our experience with all of our feelings, however unfamiliar they may seem at first, so that we may enjoy fuller relationships throughout our lives. And, while the journey inside to "true" feelings might seem scary and filled with the unknown, it is one that we all must take, if we want to live in integrity in a healthy community and in fulfilling relationship. It is possible to know now, what you knew then. Good luck on your journey! Let's meet
at the crossroads. - Gordon Clay Study suggests
human only have four basic emotions As humans we tend to consider ourselves to be unique snowflakes, all with our own distinct feelings and emotions -- but a new study says we may not actually have that many emotions to choose from. The research from the University of Glasgow says that humans have just four basic emotions: that's down from the six humans were believed to have. Traditionally, those included happiness, surprise, fear, disgust, anger and sadness - but after observing reactions to faces exemplifying those emotions, researchers now say there's some overlap. To get to their findings, researchers had participants examine computer-generated facial-animations, then categorize them into one of the six emotions. What they found was anger and disgust, as well as fear and surprise, looked very similar to the participants at first glance - and it took a minute to discern the difference. So, what does that tell the researchers? According to a writer for The Atlantic, researchers surmised that humans only have four biologically-based facial signals, with additional nuances evolving in response to social cues. She quotes the study authors who wrote, "Our data re?ect that the six basic facial expressions of emotion, like languages, are likely to represent a more complex set of modern signals and categories evolved from a simpler system of communication in early man." According to the study, that leaves us with the four basic emotions of: 1) Happiness Their research was published in the
journal Current Biology. Study: Happiness
Spreads, Depression Doesn’t This was actually a stronger effect
than you see with antidepressants, and the study authors
also found that while “healthy moods” can spread,
depressed teens don’t seem to cause their friends to
become depressed. Is happiness really contagious? Negative
Emotions: Use Them or Lose Them All emotions, though, are innate signals for us to pay attention to something. Think about it: we don’t get angry for no reason. We get angry when someone violates our rights or intrudes on us, and the anger helps us to protect and assert ourselves. Our evolutionary ancestors relied on negative emotions to keep them alive. When a hungry-looking saber-toothed friend stalked past their cave, the high-alert signals motivated the actions needed to protect them. In our modern world, negative emotions aren't always a bad thing—they can help us focus on problems in front of us, boost our performance, and increase our compassion. But too much of a bad thing is, well, not fun at all. Many of us experience negative emotions to an extent that keeps us from functioning optimally. Here are 4 of the major categories of negative emotions and some tips for helping you to think through whether the feeling is a friend that can motivate you to do something—or whether it’s a foe that you should feel motivated to defeat. Fear Ranging from the nagging worry that you need to pay your bills this week to the heart-stopping adrenaline rush you get leaning over the edge of a canyon, fear is telling you that danger is ahead. When to Use It: A bit of worry can be productive, particularly when it motivates you to take a step to relieve it. If you’re nervous about an upcoming presentation, or worried about going on a blind date, allow the anxiety you feel to drive some extra preparation. In the long run this will boost your confidence. When to Lose It: If your fear or anxiety is strong enough to be preventing any meaningful movement forward, then it’s time to fight back. Calming and relaxing your body with exercise or meditation can be helpful. So can talking about your fears out loud with a trusted friend. Anger Whether you’re a mild irritation gal or a full-of-rage guy, anger comes when we feel we’ve been violated and encroached upon wrongly or unnecessarily. When to Use It: If someone did something that hurt you, like when your partner wasn’t focused on the good news you were excited to share, listen to your anger and get curious about what’s going on for you. In many cases, particularly with people close to you, it’s appropriate to communicate what you’re feeling in an assertive and controlled way. When to Lose It: Blaming the world for your problems is not a pathway to happiness. If your anger is widespread or if you don’t have any control over or influence over the situation that frustrated you—like the driver who cut you off to make the next exit ramp—it’s best to drop it. Try shifting gears by practicing kindness or empathy. Do something nice for someone who doesn’t expect it or imagine what would have motivated someone to act in the way they did that hurt you. Sadness A reflection that we’ve lost something we valued, we experience it when we lose a loved one and when we make a transition in our life leaving the past behind. When to Use It: When you’ve lost something that matters to you, sadness can be a cue to slow down and honor it. When it’s a person, a pet, a period of life, or a profession, listen to your solemn feelings and mark the occasion. Find meaning in what’s transpired and identify a way to carry that meaning forward into your future. When to Lose It: When sadness cripples you, you may be experiencing a bout of depression. While physical exercise and social contact can help, it may be difficult to get yourself going. Try taking a small step that feels manageable, and focus on what helps you feel better. If a deep sadness persists and is affecting your ability to manage daily tasks, consult a healthcare professional. Shame Often a painful emotion that hangs on, shame reflects an evaluation that something is fundamentally wrong with us and that we don’t measure up to other people. When to Use It: A smidge of guilt, when it’s warranted, is exactly the humble pie we need. It forces us to reevaluate our own actions, which may have hurt others, and to apologize and make amends. Take this as a sign that you care about the situation and do your best to fix it. When to Lose It: Feeling insecure, inadequate, or worse is the best way to crush a good mood. If you are questioning your own abilities or value, take stock that something in your life is truly bothering you, but this emotion isn’t helping. Focus on your strengths to build confidence. Do something you know you can accomplish to create positive momentum. Or try these tips for turning your insecurities into inspiration. For activities and games to help you
conquer negativity in your life, visit Happify.com or
download the iPhone or Android app. Imaging Technology
Finally Reveals How Emotions Manifest in Your Body
Every feeling you have affects some part of your body, and stress can wreak havoc on your physical health. Just because we don’t have the technology to visualize the mind-body connection doesn’t mean it’s not real In a recent experiment to map emotions, researchers asked volunteers to think about one of 14 predetermined emotions, and then paint the areas of a blank silhouette that felt stimulated by that particular emotion The experiment shows that emotions do tend to be felt in your body in ways that are generally consistent from one person to the next, irrespective of your age, sex, or nationality Previous studies have linked stress to lowered immune system function, increased blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and altered brain chemistry, blood sugar levels, and hormonal balance 
By Dr. Mercola I’ve often said that you cannot divorce your health from your emotions. Every feeling you have affects some part of your body, and stress can wreak havoc on your physical health—especially if you’re not exercising or eating right, as both of these can help keep stress in check in the first place. Still, even if you’re doing everything “right,” your emotions—both chronic and acute—can wield great power over your body. The classic definition of stress is “any real or imagined threat, and your body’s response to it.” Your body’s natural stress response can have a significant impact on your immune function, brain chemistry, blood sugar levels, hormonal balance, and much more. In recent years, there’s been an upwelling of mind-body therapies that take this interrelatedness between your emotions and physical health into account.1 The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is, I believe, among the most effective. Many in the primarily left-brained field of science are still reluctant to embrace the mind-body paradigm however, and one of the factors holding them back is the fact that you cannot see or measure emotions inside your body. But just because we don’t have the technology to visualize the mind-body connection doesn’t mean it’s not real! Mapping How Emotions Manifest in Your Body The image below is a step in the direction of being able to visualize how your emotions manifest inside your body. Researchers in Finland asked 700 volunteers from Finland, Sweden, and Taiwan to think about one of 14 predetermined emotions, and then paint the areas of a blank silhouette that felt stimulated by that particular emotion. Using a second blank silhouette, they were asked to paint in the areas that felt “deactivated” during that emotion. To help them generate the appropriate emotion, they could read a short story or view a video. (If you want to try this experiment yourself, you can do so here. The online test is also available in Russian, French, and Italian.) The experiment shows that emotions do tend to be felt in your body in ways that are generally consistent from one person to the next, irrespective of your age, sex, or nationality. As reported by the featured article in The Atlantic:2 “The mapping exercise produced what you might expect: an angry hot-head... a depressed figurine that was literally blue (meaning they felt little sensation in their limbs). The Mind-Body Connection It’s interesting to note that certain emotions are known to be associated with pain in certain regions of your body, even though science cannot give an explanation for why. For example, those suffering from depression will often experience chest pains, even when there’s nothing physically wrong with their heart. Extreme grief (or any other extremely stressful event) can also have a devastating impact—not for nothing is the saying that someone “died from a broken heart.” In the days after losing a loved one, your risk of suffering a heart attack shoots up by 21 times! While the mechanics of these mind-body links are still being unraveled, what is known is that your brain, and consequently, your thoughts and emotions, do play a role in your experience of physical pain, and can play a significant role in the development of chronic disease. For example, previous studies have linked stress to lowered immune system function, increased blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and altered brain chemistry, blood sugar levels, and hormonal balance. It has also been found to increase the rate at which tumors grow.4 One of the reasons for this has to do with the way the biological stress response promotes inflammation in your body. When you're stressed, your body releases stress hormones like cortisol, which prepare your body to fight or flee the stressful event. Your heart rate increases, your lungs take in more oxygen, your blood flow increases, and parts of your immune system become temporarily suppressed, which reduces your inflammatory response to pathogens and other foreign invaders. When stress becomes chronic, your immune system becomes increasingly desensitized to cortisol, and since inflammation is partly regulated by this hormone, this decreased sensitivity heightens the inflammatory response and allows inflammation to run rampant. While it’s not possible to eliminate stress entirely, you can help your body to compensate for the bioelectrical short-circuiting caused by emotional stress. EFT Can Be Used to Counter Effects of Negative Emotions I’m a big fan of energy psychology and one of the most popular forms is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which is a type of psychological acupressure. While it makes use of the same energy meridians known in traditional acupuncture, EFT does not involve needles. Instead, gentle tapping with your fingertips is used to transfer kinetic energy onto specific meridians on your head and chest while you think about your specific problem -- whether it is a traumatic event, an addiction, pain, anxiety, etc. -- and voice positive affirmations. This combination of tapping the energy meridians and voicing positive affirmation works to clear the "short-circuit"—the emotional block—from your body's bioenergy system, thus restoring your mind and body's balance, which is essential for optimal health and the healing of physical disease. Clinical trials have shown that EFT is able to rapidly reduce the emotional impact of memories and incidents that trigger emotional distress. Once the distress is reduced or removed, your body can often rebalance itself, and accelerate healing. In the videos below, EFT practitioner Julie Schiffman shows how to tap for stress and anger.
Total Video Length: 24:53 Stress Takes a Heavy Toll on Your Gut According to the authors in the featured study, “disgust” was the emotion that was most strongly felt in the gut. Fear, anxiety, and shame also generated a felt impact in this area. All four of these emotions are generally felt by those experiencing depression, and I’m not surprised to see a strong connection between these emotions and the gut. In recent years, the connection between your gut health and your mood and behavior has become increasingly clear—so much so that some scientists are starting to consider probiotics (beneficial bacteria) as a potential alternative to antidepressant medications. For instance, the probiotic known as Bifidobacterium longum NCC3001 has been shown to normalize anxiety-like behavior in mice.5 Research published in 20116 also demonstrated that probiotics can have a direct effect on brain chemistry, thereby improving feelings of anxiety or depression. There's also a wealth of evidence showing intestinal involvement in a variety of neurological diseases. In a very real sense, you have two brains, one inside your skull and one in your gut, and the greatest concentration of serotonin, which is involved in mood control, depression, and suppressing aggression, is actually found within your intestines, not your brain. The implications are particularly significant in our current era of rampant depression and emotional “malaise.” There’s compelling evidence suggesting that improving your gut health is a very important component, if not the key, to successfully addressing depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders. One of the easiest and most cost-effective ways to do this is to add traditionally fermented or cultured foods to your daily diet. To learn more about your gut-brain connection, and how probiotics may help you improve your mental health, please review my previous article, “Are Probiotics the New Prozac?” Make Stress Management Part of Your Lifestyle Besides EFT and tending to your gut, there are many other stress-management strategies. The following are, I believe, among the most important basics:
Syncing Your Body and Mind As stated in the beginning, just because we don’t yet have the technology to visually observe how the emotions affect the body doesn’t mean that the mind-body connection isn’t real. It is. You just have to observe the effects of your emotions to “see” how they might play a role in your health. After worrying about something for a period of time, do you then get a headache? Does the idea of going into a meeting set off a stomach ache? Another way to familiarize yourself with the connection between your body and mind is to feel which parts of your body are stimulated or shut down when you’re experiencing any particular emotion, as was done in the featured study. One thing is clear, your emotions matter, and they cannot be ignored in the big scheme of your overall health. So please, take your emotional health seriously. Sleep, exercise, eating properly, and addressing your stress are all part and parcel of a healthy lifestyle. If you’re struggling with difficult emotions, I really recommend giving EFT a try. There are also many other energy psychology tools out there that may offer similar benefits. The key is to find what works for you, and do it consistently to keep your equilibrium. Promoting
positive anger expression It is also a good idea to find ways to
channel this energy positively to ensure that it does not
have a destructive impact on yourself or others, for
instance, through increased aggression. Such productive ways
of channelling anger could include taking part in
high-intensity sports, such as swimming, martial arts or
basketball, or engaging in the arts. When It
Comes to Happiness, It's Contagious Usually when we're talking about something being contagious, it's a warning about germs. You don't want to pick up this season's flu or the hacking cough of the guy sitting next to you on the airplane, and anyone with school-aged children knows that any formal school communication containing the words "highly contagious" is most likely to be about lice, pinkeye, or some other virus du jour. Contagion is bad, right? Not always! It turns out that happiness is also contagious, in ways you may not have expected. What this means for those of us seeking to be happier is twofold. First, it means that---just as exposing yourself to communicable disease increases your chances of getting sick---you can "catch" happiness if you surround yourself with it; and second, it means that we have yet another great reason to work on our own good mood: it's actually a service to those around us, as it increases their chances of greater happiness, as well. Research on this very topic remains a hot area of interest, and new discoveries are being made all the time. Check out these happiness-contagion findings and see if any of them surprise you (I bet the last one will). Proximity matters Perhaps the most famous study in this area is the 20-year longitudinal one published in 2008, conducted by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, which concluded that happiness can spread through social circles in unexpected ways. While the researchers weren't surprised to learn that your friend's happiness increases the chances that you'll be happier, they were amazed to discover a ripple effect of happiness which persisted through even multiple degrees of separation---that is, you're also more likely to be happy if your friend's friend is happy, even if that's someone you don't personally know. This was the first study of its kind to suggest that the emotional "temperature" of a society or community as a whole may affect individuals more directly than previously believed. And while that study emphasized physical proximity (even going so far as to find correlations between distance from the other happier person and your likelihood of a mood boost, yourself), in 2014 a follow-up study by Christakis showed a similar effect taking place on Facebook, where physical distance becomes moot. "Joy transfer" could take place simply through witnessing another person's happiness on the screen, whether you know them personally or not. This confirmed that surrounding yourself with happier people---either physically or virtually---has a positive impact on your own mood. Smiles are significant Multiple studies have shown that a "forced smile" (one which you set out to create, rather than one which occurs spontaneously) can boost your wellbeing and decrease your stress. The mechanism of this phenomenon most likely has to do with the brain's interpretation of those muscle signals (but don't think about it too hard because the notion that your brain is relying on your facial expression to determine your mood can be a little disturbing). Regardless of how, exactly, it works, it does indeed work to make us feel better, whether it's a genuine smile or not. Armed with this information, of course it stands to reason that once we know how a facial expression can influence our mood, social researchers will want to determine if said expression tends to be contagious, itself. Swedish researcher Ulf Dimberg constructed a study wherein subjects were instructed to view pictures of various facial expressions and respond in various ways. Even when subjects were specifically instructed not to smile at pictures of people smiling, monitoring of activity within their facial muscles showed an involuntary smile response. Smiling is, indeed, contagious! Eau de happiness This may just be the weirdest one, but you can't argue with science: A group of researchers in the Netherlands have just released a study about "happiness sweat," and just like smiling, it turns out that this may be another avenue of happiness contagion, too. Don't worry; it doesn't make you sweaty. Actually, the sweat secreted while experiencing pleasant emotions somehow conveys that emotion via scent. We've long suspected that "fear sweat" smells different than "regular" sweat (and this would make evolutionary sense, for fellow members of the species to be able to discern danger via pheromones), but this may be the first study confirming that those smelling this "happiness sweat" may indeed end up feeling happier, themselves. What does all of this mean for you? It
means you're spreading happiness just by being happy, and
that you can go grab a boost off of happier people if you
need one. Happiness is contagious, and that's awesome! Negative Emotions: Use Them or Lose
Them All emotions, though, are innate signals for us to pay attention to something. Think about it: we don’t get angry for no reason. We get angry when someone violates our rights or intrudes on us, and the anger helps us to protect and assert ourselves. Our evolutionary ancestors relied on negative emotions to keep them alive. When a hungry-looking saber-toothed friend stalked past their cave, the high-alert signals motivated the actions needed to protect them. In our modern world, negative emotions aren't always a bad thing—they can help us focus on problems in front of us, boost our performance, and increase our compassion. But too much of a bad thing is, well, not fun at all. Many of us experience negative emotions to an extent that keeps us from functioning optimally. Here are 4 of the major categories of negative emotions and some tips for helping you to think through whether the feeling is a friend that can motivate you to do something—or whether it’s a foe that you should feel motivated to defeat. Fear Ranging from the nagging worry that you need to pay your bills this week to the heart-stopping adrenaline rush you get leaning over the edge of a canyon, fear is telling you that danger is ahead. When to Use It: A bit of worry can be productive, particularly when it motivates you to take a step to relieve it. If you’re nervous about an upcoming presentation, or worried about going on a blind date, allow the anxiety you feel to drive some extra preparation. In the long run this will boost your confidence. When to Lose It: If your fear or anxiety is strong enough to be preventing any meaningful movement forward, then it’s time to fight back. Calming and relaxing your body with exercise or meditation can be helpful. So can talking about your fears out loud with a trusted friend. Anger Whether you’re a mild irritation gal or a full-of-rage guy, anger comes when we feel we’ve been violated and encroached upon wrongly or unnecessarily. When to Use It: If someone did something that hurt you, like when your partner wasn’t focused on the good news you were excited to share, listen to your anger and get curious about what’s going on for you. In many cases, particularly with people close to you, it’s appropriate to communicate what you’re feeling in an assertive and controlled way. When to Lose It: Blaming the world for your problems is not a pathway to happiness. If your anger is widespread or if you don’t have any control over or influence over the situation that frustrated you—like the driver who cut you off to make the next exit ramp—it’s best to drop it. Try shifting gears by practicing kindness or empathy. Do something nice for someone who doesn’t expect it or imagine what would have motivated someone to act in the way they did that hurt you. Sadness A reflection that we’ve lost something we valued, we experience it when we lose a loved one and when we make a transition in our life leaving the past behind. When to Use It: When you’ve lost something that matters to you, sadness can be a cue to slow down and honor it. When it’s a person, a pet, a period of life, or a profession, listen to your solemn feelings and mark the occasion. Find meaning in what’s transpired and identify a way to carry that meaning forward into your future. When to Lose It: When sadness cripples you, you may be experiencing a bout of depression. While physical exercise and social contact can help, it may be difficult to get yourself going. Try taking a small step that feels manageable, and focus on what helps you feel better. If a deep sadness persists and is affecting your ability to manage daily tasks, consult a healthcare professional. Shame Often a painful emotion that hangs on, shame reflects an evaluation that something is fundamentally wrong with us and that we don’t measure up to other people. When to Use It: A smidge of guilt, when it’s warranted, is exactly the humble pie we need. It forces us to reevaluate our own actions, which may have hurt others, and to apologize and make amends. Take this as a sign that you care about the situation and do your best to fix it. When to Lose It: Feeling insecure, inadequate, or worse is the best way to crush a good mood. If you are questioning your own abilities or value, take stock that something in your life is truly bothering you, but this emotion isn’t helping. Focus on your strengths to build confidence. Do something you know you can accomplish to create positive momentum. Or try these tips for turning your insecurities into inspiration. For activities and games to help you
conquer negativity in your life, visit Happify.com or
download the iPhone or Android app. Do's
and Don't's of Dealing With Anger We all experience anger. Managed in healthy ways, anger can be a positive thing -- a red flag that something’s wrong, a catalyst for change, a good self-motivator. Handled poorly, anger can cause health and relationship problems. (See this article for more on the negative effects of anger.) For many, especially those who didn’t have positive role models for anger management while growing up, dealing with anger can be confusing; it’s hard to know what to do with such a powerful and potentially destructive emotion. Examining your anger and using other anger management techniques can positively impact your health, relationships and overall happiness. It's simple to do. Here are some proven anger management strategies. Understand Your Anger Dealing with anger is much easier when you know what you’re really angry about. Sometimes people may feel generally irritable because of stress, sleep deprivation, and other factors; more often, there’s a more specific reason for the anger. Either way, you can become more aware of what’s behind your anger if you keep an anger journal (a record of what makes you angry throughout the day) for a few weeks, then talk it over with a good friend, or even see a therapist to uncover underlying sources of anger, if you find yourself stumped. Once you are more aware of your sources of anger, you can take steps to deal with it. Express Yourself—Constructively Research shows that writing about anger and expressing it constructively can help reduce negative mood and even pain, particularly if the writing leads to ‘meaning-making,’ or speculation into the causes of the anger. This research, as well as other research on the benefits of journaling, supports the effectiveness of writing down your feelings and working through them on paper. The written expression of anger allows you to actively do something with your anger rather than just letting it make you feel bad. Take Action Your anger is telling you something. The first part of dealing with anger, as discussed, is examining it and listening to what it’s telling you about your life. The next part involves taking action. Knowing why you’re upset can go a long way, but eliminating your anger triggers and fixing problems that make you angry are equally important. You may not be able to eliminate everything in your life that causes you anger and frustration, but cutting out what you can should go a long way. Don’t Obsess Ruminating on your anger isn’t actually helpful. Studies show that, among other things, those who have a tendency to ruminate over situations that have made them angry in their past tend to experience higher blood pressure as a result, putting them at greater risk for organ damage and associated health problems. Trying to solve a problem is a good idea, but stewing in your anger is not. Don’t Over-talk It Discussing your anger is a tricky thing. Talking about your anger with a trusted friend can be an effective strategy for dealing with anger -- to a point. It can help you better understand your feelings, brainstorm problem-solving strategies, and strengthen your relationship. However, there’s also evidence that repeatedly discussing topics that make you angry with your friends can actually make you both feel worse, and increase stress hormones in your blood. If you’re dealing with anger by talking to friends about it, it’s best to talk about a situation only once, exploring solutions as well as your feelings. Most of us --especially the women -- have been involved in conversations that are basically complaint sessions or downward spirals of negative emotion; it’s best to change the subject to a happier topic before it gets that far. If you find yourself wanting to talk a lot about what is making you angry, it might be a good idea to schedule a few sessions with a therapist, who may have some effective ideas on dealing with anger. Sources: Byrd-Craven J, Geary DC, Rose AJ, Ponzi D. Co-ruminating increases stress hormone levels in women. Hormones and Behavior, March 2008. Gerin W, Davidson KW, Christenfeld NJ, Goyal T, Schwartz JE. The role of angry rumination and distraction in blood pressure recovery from emotional arousal. Psychosomatic Medicine, January-February 2006. Graham JE, Lobel M, Glass P, Lokshina I. Effects of written anger expression in chronic pain patients: making meaning from pain. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, March 6, 2008. This article:
stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/dealing_anger.htm
Feelings when someone
dies Shock: It may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. The shock can make you numb, and some people at first carry on as if nothing has happened. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back. Many people feel disorientated - as if they have lost their place and purpose in life or are living in a different world. Pain: Feelings of pain and distress following bereavement can be overwhelming and very frightening. Anger: Sometimes bereaved people can feel angry. This anger is a completely natural emotion, typical of the grieving process. Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or when you had plans for the future together. We may also feel angry towards the person who has died, or angry at ourselves for things we did or didn’t do or say to the person before their death. Guilt: Guilt is another common reaction. People who have been bereaved of someone close often say they feel directly or indirectly to blame for the person’s death. You may also feel guilt if you had a difficult or confusing relationship with the person who has died, or if you feel you didn’t do enough to help them when they were alive. Depression: Many bereaved people experience feelings of depression following the death of someone close. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning and some people say they too want to die. Longing: Thinking you are hearing or seeing someone who has died is a common experience and can happen when you least expect it. You may find that you can't stop thinking about the events leading up to the death. "Seeing" the person who has died and hearing their voice can happen because the brain is trying to process the death and acknowledge the finality of it. Other people's reactions: One of the hardest things to face when we are bereaved is the way other people react to us. They often do not know what to say or how to respond to our loss. Because they don't know what to say or are worried about saying the wrong thing, people can avoid those who have lost someone. This is hard for us because we may well want to talk about the person who has died. It can become especially hard as time goes on and other people's memories of the person who has died fade. Further help Our booklet Restoring Hope gives more detail on how you may feel following a bereavement. Other publications are available from our online shop. You can find out more about what you can do to help yourself, and how Cruse can help in our section on supporting yourself through grief. We also have information on coping with particularly traumatic deaths or homicides, those in military families and children and young people. Grief is a natural process, and most
people will cope with help and support from family and
friends. For those who need additional specialist help,
Cruse offers free confidential support for adults and
children, and this can be by telephone, email or
face-to-face. Satisfied Men
Live Longer In a study of more than 22,000 adults in Finland, investigators found that men who reported high levels of satisfaction with their lives were more likely to be alive 20 years later. There was no association between life satisfaction and mortality for women, however. "It seems to me that the coping abilities of women with distress and dissatisfaction may be better than in men," the study's lead author, Dr. Heli Koivumaa-Honkanen, from the University of Turku in Finland. For example, men who feel dissatisfied might cope with their feelings by abusing alcohol, smoking and not exercising while women might talk to friends or seek professional help, she added. Life satisfaction refers to a sense of general well-being and takes into account a person's interest in life and their feelings of happiness and loneliness, the authors explain. Dissatisfied men were more than twice as likely to die of all causes than those who were satisfied with life, and more than three times as likely to die of a disease, the report indicates. Men who drank heavily were at even higher risk. Marriage, exercise, high social class, not smoking and drinking moderate amounts of alcohol diminished the risks somewhat, but the association between feeling satisfied and living longer remained. "Perhaps the coping capacity ... is not adequate in those men who are less able to create a stable intimate partnership or earn their living," Koivumma-Honkanen suggested. She added that it is not clear if these men had risky health behaviors already or whether they developed these behaviors later in life. The team also found that men were less satisfied than women overall. And men were more likely to smoke and drink alcohol, according to the report published in the American Journal of Epidemiology. Koivumma-Honkanen said the study findings underscore the importance of feeling satisfied -- particularly for men. "It is not enough for a human being to earn money and be in physically good condition. One should respect mental health as well," she said. Source: American Journal of
Epidemiology 2000;Suzanne Rostler, 152:983-991. Internet Makes
Men Happy, Survey Says The "Happiness Index" study also demonstrates that, collectively, women's happiest activity is spending time with family, an opinion shared by just 45-percent of men. While we are certainly in no position to criticize these Aussie Web-lovers (we do run a blog, after all), we believe we'd be remiss not to criticize the apparently pitiful number of family men Down Under. Then again, we're not sure if the stats would be that much better here in the states... Is playing online games really more satisfying than spending time with your children? For all those kids out there that find
themselves in this sort of predicament, fear not. If you hip
your daddy to some of these new widgets, he might just be
grateful enough to play a game of catch sometime. Forgiveness
As Salve for Sin From South Africa to the White House, from the Vatican to the Diocese of Oakland, everyone seems to be talking about forgiveness. Tomorrow, Roman Catholic Bishop John Cummins of Oakland will lead priests and nuns in an unprecedented liturgy in which they will stand before the victims of priestly sex abuse and seek God's forgiveness for their sins of church leaders. That ceremony comes two weeks after Pope John Paul II presided over a historic prayer service in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, where the pontiff apologized for almost 2,000 years of church wrongdoing against Jews, women and other groups. But this tidal wave of repentance goes far beyond the Catholic Church. Nearly everywhere you look -- in courtrooms, the corridors of political power and the halls of academia -- forgiveness is hot. "This decade we are entering is going to be an age of reconciliation,'" said psychologist Everett Worthington, executive director of the Campaign for Forgiveness Research. "Forgiveness," Worthington said, "can do more than save your soul. It can save your life. We know that feeling hostile over a long period of time can contribute to heart disease. Not forgiving is stressful, and our immune systems do not work as well when we are under stress.'" The campaign, financed primarily by the John Templeton Foundation, has handed out $6 million for 32 studies on the psychological, spiritual and physical benefits of forgiving. Two of its research projects are under way at Stanford University. Worthington, a professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, traces the academic and popular interest in forgiveness back to a 1984 book by theologian Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget. South Africa's Example: During the 1990s, the world watched the power of forgiveness working through the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission, which examined injustices committed during that nation's apartheid era. Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa, along with former President Jimmy Carter, are among the five co-chairs of the forgiveness campaign. Worthington said another U.S. president has helped put forgiveness in the public spotlight. "Bill Clinton has done more for forgiveness research than anyone else in America,'" he quipped. Forgiveness is also at the center of "Jubilee 2000,'" a broad interfaith campaign that includes calling on international bankers and wealthier nations to forgive the crushing debts of Third World countries. Meanwhile, legal scholars are looking at what effect forgiveness -- or the reluctance of people to apologize -- has on the mountain of civil lawsuits burying the courts. Worthington said a task force in Washington, D.C. is studying whether a doctor's apology could be excluded as inadmissible evidence in medical liability cases. "Doctors who make medical mistakes say they can't apologize because of liability problems," Worthington said. "But one study showed that two-thirds of patients said they wouldn't sue if doctors weren't so arrogant and would just apologize." Much of the research on forgiveness confirms what many of the world's religious traditions have been saying for centuries: Confession, forgiveness and repentance are good for the soul. St. Peter's Ceremony: Earlier this month, Pope John Paul II made headlines around the world with a mea culpa proclaimed at Sunday Mass at St. Peter's Basilica. Yesterday, during a visit to the Yad Vashem Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem, the pope said the Roman Catholic Church is "deeply saddened'" by Christian persecution of Jews throughout history. San Francisco Archbishop William Levada said the pope is leading a worldwide Catholic initiative that seeks "atonement for sins and of reparation for past faults . . . committed in the name of the church through these past two millennia of Christianity. Only by asking pardon for our own sins do we dare to beg pardon for another's," said Levada, writing in today's issue of the weekly Catholic San Francisco newspaper. Not everyone is happy with the papal confession or his regrets uttered yesterday at the Holocaust memorial. Many Jewish leaders had hoped the pope would have specifically apologized for the public silence of Pope Pius XII during the Nazi slaughter of 6 million Jews during World War II. In his column today, Levada said the critics "in the religious community and the media are trying to 'demonize' Pius XII. It would be interesting to apply the criteria which some now suggest in regard to Pius to the activities -- or 'silence' -- of American government officials and policies, or of Jewish agencies and leaders in the United States during the same period," the archbishop writes. Victims of Sexual Abuse: Another group that has sought a more specific apology from church leaders are the victims of sexual abuse by priests. They will get just that in an extraordinary reconciliation service to be held at 1 p.m. tomorrow at Leona Lodge, 4444 Mountain Blvd., in Oakland. Victims of sexual abuse are invited to attend the service, which will be presided over by Cummins, the spiritual leader of Catholics in Alameda and Contra Costa counties. "We, as a church, were often negligent and did not respond to victims of sexual abuse appropriately," Cummins said. "The Diocese of Oakland has resolved not to repeat the evils of the past." In recent years, the Archdiocese of San Francisco, the Diocese of Santa Rosa and other church jurisdictions around the world have been scandalized by continuing revelations about the sexual abuse of children and teenagers by Catholic clergy. Terri Light, West Coast director of SNAP, the Survivors Network for Those Abused by Priests, praised Cummins and Sister Barbara Flannery, the chancellor of the Oakland Diocese, for "taking care of victims and being sure perpetrators are held accountable. This will help us heal," Light said of tomorrow's service. The ceremony will include responsive readings. For example, victims of sexual abuse will read, "We were treated as if we were the ones who had brought shame and embarrassment on the church." Church leaders will respond, "We were ashamed and afraid to know the horrible truth.. . . Even though the signs were right there before us, we did not recognize them." East Bay's Leadership: Light said she hopes the church in San Francisco and Santa Rosa will learn a lesson from their East Bay brethren. "We have a huge contingent coming over from San Francisco and Santa Rosa," Light said. "There is particular sensitivity in the Oakland Diocese. In San Francisco, they feel so dark. The church needs to be guided by its mission, not by its lawyers and insurance agents." Levada will lead a penance service at
10 a.m. April 8 at St. Mary's Cathedral, timed to coincide
with a National Day of Atonement called by the National
Conference of Catholic Bishops. Two days earlier, the
archbishop will gather his clergy at the National Shrine of
St. Francis in North Beach and "pray for atonement for the
past sins of priests." Maurice Healy, spokesman for the San
Francisco Archdiocese, said people should not expect the
pope or the archbishop to make specific apologies. "People
are missing the point. This is a prayer, and its offered on
behalf of all the members of the church," Healy said. "We
don't want to get into an argument over why this is on the
list and why that's not on the list. It's not a recitation
of specific offenses, but that doesn't mean its any less
sincere." www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2000/
How Do I Not
Trust Thee: Jealousy A Suspicious Letter Diane left some letters on the kitchen counter for me to mail, as she always does, and as I walked down the steps I quickly looked through them, as I always do. Among the endless bills was a hand-addressed envelope to a man at an address I didn't recognize in another state. I thought for a second about asking Diane who he was, but I didn't want to appear, y'know, suspicious. So instead I went down to my office and acted suspicious, searching the name and address on the Internet. I finally found him on a government scientific Web site. And while I tried not to jump to any conclusions, I couldn't get my mind to stop considering the possibility... Is my wife cheating on me with an algae researcher? I wrote down the name and address on a Post-it (easier to eat if I had to destroy the evidence), mailed the mail, and went about my business. For the next two days I thought about how to bring this up to Diane. Then I got an e-mail. It was from the researcher. Oh my god. I clicked it open and there was just one sentence: "Did you get the swizzle sticks yet?" That mystery letter? A check Diane had written for something I forgot that I'd bought on eBay. Okay, I'm an idiot. I'm also a jealous guy. Always have been. Probably always will be. If nearly 20 years of marriage to a woman who loves and completes me hasn't cured me, nothing will. Jealousy is one of the few emotions that husbands have always been expected to express. Unfortunately, most of us express it really badly -- often for absolutely no good reason, and sometimes with disastrous consequences. It might be the only emotion that wives wish husbands would suppress. After the swizzle stick episode, I started asking my basketball buddies about jealousy -- what Shakespeare called "the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on." (I didn't mention Shakespeare specifically because I didn't want anyone to throw the ball at my head. It was bad enough I was asking them to admit they actually had feelings.) I was most interested to hear from one guy because I knew he and his wife had just entered a scenario rife with betrayal possibilities. After many years of being home with their kids, his wife took a job at a small company with a lot of younger single people. I was at a party recently where I saw her with some of her new male colleagues. They flocked around her, almost flirtatiously, I thought. It actually made me feel a little jealous on my buddy's behalf. So I was amused by the way my friend denied the role of jealousy in his marriage. "Not as big a deal now as it was 20 years ago," he said, "but I've always had more to be jealous about than my wife, because she is a first-class flirt." Then he added, a bit irritably, as if the facts were irrefutably in his favor: "Look, her coworkers are all much younger and/or gay. And the one person she is hanging out with lots is 10 years younger, with a pregnant wife." Oh, okay. Good thing you're not feeling threatened. And, of course, guys never cheat on their pregnant wives. Why I'm a Jealous Guy How he stays calm I don't know. I get jealous over much less. I'm not what experts call "morbidly jealous" -- I don't get aggressive or have much of a temper. But I do feel more jealous than any happily married man should. And it comes out in all kinds of little ways I'm embarrassed to admit. Besides occasionally checking out the mail (or, okay, the cell phone bill), I definitely do the "husbandly hover." I pay a little too much attention to whom Diane talks with at parties, remaining far enough away to be inconspicuous but close enough to stealthily intercede in any conversation that seems suspiciously long. Why do husbands do this kind of stuff? During our first few years together I believed my actions were well-founded responses to something real -- perhaps a carryover from fighting off other suitors to win Diane's hand. Like many husbands, I felt I had married someone way better than I deserved and needed to diligently protect myself against losing her. I still feel that way and can see how Diane attracts people: She's smart and disarmingly funny and, at 50, still turns heads (sometimes all the way around) in just a T-shirt and jeans. But I have also come to understand that most of my jealousy is unfounded and unprovoked -- something I brought into the marriage, like that ugly brown sleeper sofa. According to social scientists, husbands and wives are jealous in different ways: Supposedly, men care more about sexual fidelity and women care more about emotional fidelity. And, in a more important sociological indicator -- bad movie dialogue -- it is usually "did you sleep with him?" versus "do you love her?" Now, I've always been troubled by this notion that men care more about possessing women than loving them, treating them like toys that nobody else can play with, while women will overlook sexual indiscretions as long as he loves her best. So I'm glad to report that recent studies show jealousy is becoming a more equal-opportunity obsession. Men are now scoring as more emotionally jealous than ever before, and women as more sexually jealous. Our worst relationship fears have all begun to even out. This could mean men are learning to love more or that women have finally wised up about the old "I slept with her but it didn't mean anything" line, or both. As for us, I consider myself lucky that after 20 years together my wife is still kind of flattered by how possessive I can be. Even now Diane recalls as "funny and cute" how, during our courtship, I used to show up "coincidentally" at restaurants where she was dining with friends. ("Funny and cute?" a friend of ours gasped when she later heard about my extreme wooing. "He was a stalker!") When I recently fessed up to Diane about the algae researcher incident, she found it "hilariously touching." I guess that's because she appreciates the upside of jealousy in a marriage. And no matter how many times she has to deal with me waiting up for her like some '60s sitcom dad on the few nights she goes out with the girls, I can think of only one thing worse for our relationship. And that would be if I stopped being so jealous. Source: By Stephen Fried.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal,
September 2006. lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/CouplesandMarriage/ArticleLHJ.aspx?cp-documentid=939560
Taming The
Jealous Mistress I have reflected on my life over the past 10 years since starting my career in Medicine. For the most part I have given up the luxury of weekends off and 9 hour work days. I cannot even count the times I left the house at 600 AM, only to return exhausted at 900 PM, for 6 days straight. I used to think medical school was rough-only to find Residency 30-grit rougher. Not only is Medicine the ultimate time monger, but our work also involves great personal sacrifice…caring for others in need. It is very difficult to place into words how mentally and emotionally draining this care can be…particularly in the Emergency Department. Day in and day out we work in a fast paced pressure cooker. Here, our patients do not care about the type of day we are having; a dying patient need not to know that you are having marital problems, or that your kid is failing school. Many physicians have to completely compartmentalize their life from their work-your normal life gets shoved to the dark recesses of your mind for 12 hours. When leaving work after a draining shift-the reality of medicine, and the stress of your day dissipates, only to be met by your life’s real problems. As many physicians with problems outside of work admit-whether it is marital, drug or alcohol abuse,” they just do not have the energy to deal with their real problems.” They either turn to something else, or dig in deeper to their career. Everything about her is seductive: the time, the pressure, the stress, and the commitment. I think this is where the notion that Medicine is like a jealous mistress begins…and ends. I have come to realize that I, or any other physician, cannot blame our career on our life’s troubles. Sure the job demands much more than the average, but it is our choices which ultimately determine our happiness. I am reminded of a quote by the late John Candy: “Like your work, Love your wife.” Amen. I recently have had many new aspiring physicians ask me “how do you balance work and home life?” It is not easy. But priorities are paramount. I vowed early on that my wife and children will always be paramount-they are my number one, and my job will never replace them. I tell newer colleagues if they want to be surgeons, if they want to do research, if they want to be leaders of their chosen profession, that is wonderful….but these aspirations will require great sacrifice. Just do not sacrifice what is truly important-the ones who love you. Very few, tread in these waters and maintain the harmony between work and family life they or their families expect. “Medicine can be like a jealous
mistress if you are not careful Sean.” He was right,
you do have to be careful, but we are in control of our own
destiny. We choose our own priorities, and these dictate the
life will lead. After a grueling 12 hour day in the
Emergency Room-after the stress, the chaos, the heartache,
and triumph-I know at the end of it all, my wife and child
are waiting. Everything else melts away. The mistress once
again gets the boot. Childhood
Fears
Toxic
Emotions 8 Things Your Brain
Does Wrong Every Day But we're often unaware of the myriad little -- and big -- ways that our thinking is irrational and biased. To become the highly-evolved, rational creatures we are today, our brains evolved with certain handy shortcuts (known in psychology as cognitive biases) to help us identify threats and make quick judgments. And even in the modern world, where we don't face threats to our survival every day, they're still very much present, and they shape the way we experience the world and ourselves. "Humans suffer... the consequences of living in a time and place we didn't evolve to live in," neuroscientist Dean Buonomano, author of Brain Bugs: How The Brain's Flaws Shape Our Lives, told NPR. "And by peering into the brain, we can learn a lot about why we are good at some things and why we are not very good at others." Here are eight common thinking errors and cognitive biases that you may not even be aware of -- but that shape the way you view yourself and the world. We can't help but focus on the negative. According to psychologist Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness, our brains are wired to scout for the bad stuff -- as he puts it, the brain is like velcro for negative experience and teflon for positive ones. The brain is constantly scanning for threats -- which of course was in our favor as we evolved -- and when it finds one, it isolates and fixates on the threat, sometimes losing sight of the big picture. And even though we no longer deal with the threat of being eaten by wild animals in our daily lives, our brain hasn't let go of its sensitivity to perceived threats, even if they come in the form of an email from your boss. This threat-awareness creates a "negativity bias" which causes the brain to react very intensely to bad news in comparison to how it responds to good news. Because negative experiences affect us so much more powerfully, research has even shown that strong, long-lasting relationships require a five to one ratio of positive to negative interactions in order to thrive. "We've got this negativity bias that's a kind of bug in the stone-age brain in the 21st century," Hanson told The Huffington Post last year. "It makes it hard for us to learn from our positive experiences, even though learning from your positive experiences is the primary way to grow inner strength." We see patterns where there are none. One of the most basic thinking mistakes is called Type 1 Error, which is believing a false hypothesis to be true, often by mistaking correlation (or lack thereof) for causality. (This is one explanation for why we love coincidences so much.) While it does lead to thought errors, thinking this way may have given us an evolutionary advantage. "Causal thinking evolved because it allows people to understand and control their environment, i.e. to be able to predict that, for example, if you eat a red mushroom you will die," writes an Oxford University Press psychology textbook. "This causal thinking is adaptive but may sometimes lead to Type 1 errors –- where you believe something is true when it isn’t, for example you believe that tying your shoes laces twice causes luck." This tendency to seek out connections and patters in random information is what's known as apophenia. This inclination plays out in a number of different ways, from spotting coincidences to conspiracy theories to finding hidden codes or significance in numbers or text. And yet we don't see what's right in front of us. Think you're present and mindful to your environment? While it may be true to a certain extent, you're probably not as aware as you think. In a now-famous 1998 study, researchers from Harvard and Kent State University targeted college campus pedestrians to see how much they noticed about their immediate surroundings. In the experiment, an actor approached one of the pedestrians and asked for directions, and while the pedestrian was giving the directions, two men carrying a large wooden door walked between the actor and the pedestrian, completely blocking their view of one another for several seconds. During that time, the actor was replaced by an actor of different height and build, complete with a different outfit, haircut and voice. Roughly half of the participants did not notice the substitution. The experiment illustrates the phenomenon of "change blindness," which shows just how selective we are about what we take in from a visual scene. It seems that we rely on memory and pattern-recognition (going back to Type 1 Error) significantly more than we think we do, and that our visual perception may not be as reliable as we think. We're heavily biased towards things that agree with us. Our brains have quite a distaste for conflict and disagreement -- and they'll go to great lengths to avoid it. For this reason, we naturally gravitate towards things that we agree with or that reinforce our existing beliefs, and avoid those that oppose any of our beliefs. Cognitive dissonance -- a psychological term coined in the 1950s to refer to this innate distaste -- leads us to the brain's confirmation bias, a tendency to search only for information that confirms our hypothesis, while ignoring information that refutes or challenges it. This is often why we have such a hard time changing our mind about things -- it's mentally taxing and confusing for us to let go of what we think we know and start collecting evidence for a new hypothesis. But this bias can lead us into error in work, life and politics. "Paradoxically, the Internet has only made this tendency even worse," the blog io9 notes. And it's true: Whatever your political or religious beliefs (or your stance on anything, really) it's easy to find the information that tells you you're right -- and to simply tune out the rest. We put ourselves under a harsh spotlight. Did you ever have something mortifying happen to you in high school, after which your mother advised you to stop panicking, because "People don't notice the little things you do wrong because they're too busy worrying about themselves." Turns out, she was onto something. We do tend to magnify our mistakes and flaws, thinking that people are paying more attention to them than they really are. This is referred to in psychology as "Spotlight Effect" -- our tendency to think that other people notice things about us more than they actually do, a phenomenon that's been demonstrated time and again in social psychology experiments. The effect is basically the result of our naturally egocentric worldview, explains psychologist Nathan Heflick. "We all are the center of our own universes," Heflick wrote in Psychology Today. "This is not to say we are arrogant, or value ourselves more than others, but rather, that our entire existence is from our own experiences and perspective.... But other people not only lack the knowledge of, for instance, the stain that you have, but they are the center of their own universes too, and in turn, are focused on other things." Our choices are highly subject to a number of biases. In American consumer culture, we're faced with a feast of choices for even the most mundane decisions -- we can choose from 35 types of toothpaste at the drugstore, pick a shirt from the 50 hanging in our closet, select a movie to watch from the hundreds available on Netflix, and the options for what to tweet or share on Facebook are practically infinite. And despite the illusion of freedom, all of these choices may be skewing our decisions and leading our minds into error. Having too many options creates a sort of paralysis, according to psychologist Barry Schwartz. Sometimes, having too many options keeps us from making any decisions at all. And when we do settle on something, we're more likely to regret or be disappointed by it. "It's easy to imagine that you could have made a decision that would have been better," Schwartz said in a popular TED talk. "This regrets subtracts from the satisfaction that you would have gotten out of the decision you made, even if it was a good decision. The more options there are, the easier it is to regret anything at all that is disappointing." And what's more, Schwartz explains, the way we measure the value of things is by comparing them to other things. And when there are lots of things to compare something to, we tend to imagine the attractive features of those other things, diminishing the perceived value of the thing we have. It's a sort of grass-is-always-greener syndrome that keeps us from viewing our choices objectively. We can't trust our memories. Most of us would like to think that we recall past events with accuracy -- but we don't need psychologists to tell us that in reality, our memory is highly fallible and subject to a laundry list of biases and errors. Eyewitness testimonials are notoriously unreliable, as extensive research has found. One study even demonstrated that 25 percent of people could be induced to remember events that never even happened to them. One common error is allowing our view of the past to be colored by our emotions in the present. Just broke up with your boyfriend? Your entire relationship history may start to look pretty grim. Just got a promotion? That grueling, soul-sucking first job suddenly looks like a valuable stepping-stone to bigger and better things. As the band Oasis said, "Don't look back in anger" -- because your anger, or any other emotion you're experiencing, will change the way you think about the past. As Buonomano explained to NPR: "One type of memory error that we make -- a memory bug -- is really a product of the fact that in human memory, there's no distinction between storage and retrieval. So when a computer writes something down, it has one laser that's used to store the memory and another laser to retrieve the memory, and those are very distinct processes. In human memory, the distinction between storage and retrieval is not very clear, and this can have very dramatic consequences. ... The act of retrieving a memory can affect the storage." We're (too) partial to our own kind. Both historical events and everyday
experience demonstrate, again and again, our favoritism
towards members of our own social groups. Human beings have
a well-documented cognitive bias towards members of their
own clans (real or imagined), and this even goes beyond
ethnic, social or nationality groupings. Psychologists have
found in-group bias to exist even among randomly-assigned
groups. Favoritism of our own can sometimes, although not
necessarily, lead to judging, stereotyping and hostility
towards other groups. How
shame has evolved Shaming was a prominent part of the punishment process well after medieval times, said Peter Stearns, a historian at George Mason University. The best-known example comes from American fiction in the form of "The Scarlet Letter," penned by Nathaniel Hawthorne in 1850. But the history books are also replete with accounts of criminals being locked in stocks or pillories for public humiliation, and of kids being forced to wear dunce caps in school. By the end of the 19th century, stocks were banned as an instrument of punishment throughout the United States. Public shaming has also fallen out of favor as a childrearing strategy, at least in Western societies. "There's still lots of humiliation in schools, but there are no codified practices," Stearns told NBC News. Several reasons have been proposed for the decline of shaming: One is that modern Western communities are less cohesive than they were in past centuries — which dilutes the impact of humiliation. That's not to say that the shame game has ended. "The complexity is that over the past couple of decades, public shaming has made something of a comeback," Stearns said. For example, some defendants have been sentenced to hold up signs in public saying "I Stole Mail," or "I Am a Thief," or "I Stole From a 9-Year-Old on Her Birthday." Meanwhile, social media networks have provided new avenues for public shaming. Stearns pointed to the case of Nobel-winning biochemist Tim Hunt, who was pilloried last week for sexist remarks about "the trouble with women" in science labs. "This guy was shamed and degraded in two days," Stearns said. Does shame work? Amid all the ups and downs in public shaming, experts say there's been precious little research into the efficacy of the technique. One of the standout studies was conducted by a team led by psychologist June Tangney, a colleague of Stearns' at George Mason University. "Although shame is effective for punishing people, it's not clear that it helps them avoid doing harm in the future," Tangney told NBC News. She and her co-authors tested more than 400 prison inmates on their feelings of guilt ("I did a bad thing") vs. shame ("I'm a bad person") — and correlated the results with their likelihood to reoffend within a year. The researchers found that inmates who blamed others for their sense of shame were most likely to return to a life of crime. If the inmates accepted blame for their humiliation, they were less likely to get into trouble. Tangney said punishments that emphasize guilt and making things right appeared to be still more effective. "There are judges who are understandably trying to experiment with alternative punishments, because the current system isn't working very well," she said. "But I think public shaming is going down the wrong path. Community service sentences seem to be more likely to produce the desired result." Would Cersei repent her ways if she
were sentenced to community service? It's unlikely,
considering how things work in "Game of Thrones." But who
knows? George R.R. Martin still has time to write that plot
twist into his next book. Anxiety
Disorders and Anxiety Attacks It’s normal to feel anxious when facing a challenging situation, such as a job interview, a tough exam, or a blind date. But if your worries and fears are preventing you from living your life the way you’d like to, you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder. There are many different types of anxiety disorders—and many effective treatments and self-help strategies. Once you understand your anxiety disorder, there are steps you can take to reduce your symptoms and regain control of your life. When does anxiety become a disorder? Anxiety is the body’s natural response to danger, an automatic alarm that goes off when you feel threatened, under pressure, or are facing a stressful situation. In moderation, anxiety isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, anxiety can help you stay alert and focused, spur you to action, and motivate you to solve problems. But when anxiety is constant or overwhelming—when it interferes with your relationships and activities—that’s when you’ve crossed the line from normal anxiety into the territory of anxiety disorders. Do you have an anxiety disorder? If you identify with any of the following 7 signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder:
Signs and symptoms of anxiety disorders Because anxiety disorders are a group of related conditions rather than a single disorder, they can look very different from person to person. One individual may suffer from intense anxiety attacks that strike without warning, while another gets panicky at the thought of mingling at a party. Someone else may struggle with a disabling fear of driving, or uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts. Yet another may live in a constant state of tension, worrying about anything and everything. But despite their different forms, all anxiety disorders share one major symptom: persistent or severe fear or worry in situations where most people wouldn’t feel threatened. Emotional symptoms of anxiety In addition to the primary anxiety symptoms of irrational and excessive fear and worry, other common emotional symptoms include:
Anxiety is more than just a feeling. As a product of the body’s fight-or-flight response, anxiety involves a wide range of physical symptoms. Because of the numerous physical symptoms, anxiety sufferers often mistake their disorder for a medical illness. They may visit many doctors and make numerous trips to the hospital before their anxiety disorder is discovered. Common physical symptoms of anxiety include:
Anxiety attacks and their symptoms Anxiety attacks, also known as panic attacks, are episodes of intense panic or fear. Anxiety attacks usually occur suddenly and without warning. Sometimes there’s an obvious trigger—getting stuck in an elevator, for example, or thinking about the big speech you have to give—but in other cases, the attacks come out of the blue. Anxiety attacks usually peak within 10 minutes, and they rarely last more than 30 minutes. But during that short time, the terror can be so severe that you feel as if you’re about to die or totally lose control. The physical symptoms of anxiety attacks are themselves so frightening that many people believe they’re having a heart attack. After an anxiety attack is over, you may be worried about having another one, particularly in a public place where help isn’t available or you can’t easily escape. Symptoms of an Anxiety Attack Surge of overwhelming panic Feeling of losing control or going crazy
It’s important to seek help if you’re starting to avoid certain situations or places because you’re afraid of having a panic attack. The good news is that panic attacks are highly treatable. In fact, many people are panic free within just 5 to 8 treatment sessions. Types of anxiety disorders There are six major types of anxiety disorders, each with their own distinct symptom profile: generalized anxiety disorder, anxiety attacks (panic disorder), obsessive-compulsive disorder, phobia, social anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Generalized anxiety disorder If constant worries and fears distract you from your day-to-day activities, or you’re troubled by a persistent feeling that something bad is going to happen, you may be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). People with GAD are chronic worrywarts who feel anxious nearly all of the time, though they may not even know why. Anxiety related to GAD often shows up as physical symptoms like insomnia, stomach upset, restlessness, and fatigue. Anxiety attacks (Panic disorder) Panic disorder is characterized by repeated, unexpected panic attacks, as well as fear of experiencing another episode. A panic disorder may also be accompanied by agoraphobia, which is the fear of being in places where escape or help would be difficult in the event of a panic attack. If you have agoraphobia, you are likely to avoid public places such as shopping malls, or confined spaces such as an airplane. Obsessive-compulsive disorder Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by unwanted thoughts or behaviors that seem impossible to stop or control. If you have OCD, you may be troubled by obsessions, such as a recurring worry that you forgot to turn off the oven or that you might hurt someone. You may also suffer from uncontrollable compulsions, such as washing your hands over and over. Phobias and irrational fears Phobia A phobia is an unrealistic or exaggerated fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that in reality presents little to no danger. Common phobias include fear of animals (such as snakes and spiders), fear of flying, and fear of heights. In the case of a severe phobia, you might go to extreme lengths to avoid the thing you fear. Unfortunately, avoidance only strengthens the phobia. Social anxiety disorder and social phobia Social anxiety disorder If you have a debilitating fear of being seen negatively by others and humiliated in public, you may have social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia. Social anxiety disorder can be thought of as extreme shyness. In severe cases, social situations are avoided altogether. Performance anxiety (better known as stage fright) is the most common type of social phobia. Post-traumatic stress disorder Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an extreme anxiety disorder that can occur in the aftermath of a traumatic or life-threatening event. PTSD can be thought of as a panic attack that rarely, if ever, lets up. Symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks or nightmares about what happened, hypervigilance, startling easily, withdrawing from others, and avoiding situations that remind you of the event. Self-help for anxiety Not everyone who worries a lot has an anxiety disorder. You may be anxious because of an overly demanding schedule, lack of exercise or sleep, pressure at home or work, or even from too much coffee. The bottom line is that if your lifestyle is unhealthy and stressful, you’re more likely to feel anxious—whether or not you actually have an anxiety disorder. So if you feel like you worry too much, take some time to evaluate how well you’re caring for yourself. Do you make time each day for relaxation and fun?
If your stress levels are through the roof, stress management can help. There may be responsibilities you can give up, turn down, or delegate to others. If you’re feeling isolated or unsupported, find someone you trust to confide in. Just talking about your worries can make them seem less frightening. Anxiety self-help tips
When to seek professional help for anxiety While self-help coping strategies for anxiety can be very effective, if your worries, fears, or anxiety attacks have become so great that they’re causing extreme distress or disrupting your daily routine, it is important to seek professional help. If you’re experiencing a lot of physical anxiety symptoms, you should start by getting a medical checkup. Your doctor can check to make sure that your anxiety isn’t caused by a medical condition, such as a thyroid problem, hypoglycemia, or asthma. Since certain drugs and supplements can cause anxiety, your doctor will also want to know about any prescriptions, over-the-counter medications, herbal remedies, and recreational drugs you’re taking. If your physician rules out a medical cause, the next step is to consult with a therapist who has experience treating anxiety disorders. The therapist will work with you to determine the cause and type of your anxiety disorder and devise a course of treatment. Treatment for anxiety disorders Anxiety disorders respond very well to therapy—and often in a relatively short amount of time. The specific treatment approach depends on the type of anxiety disorder and its severity. But in general, most anxiety disorders are treated with behavioral therapy, medication, or some combination of the two. Therapy for anxiety disorders The following types of therapy can help with issues such as panic attacks, generalized anxiety, and phobias. Cognitive-behavior therapy focuses on thoughts—or cognitions—in addition to behaviors. In anxiety treatment, cognitive-behavioral therapy helps you identify and challenge the negative thinking patterns and irrational beliefs that fuel your anxiety. Exposure therapy for anxiety disorder treatment encourages you to confront your fears in a safe, controlled environment. Through repeated exposures to the feared object or situation, either in your imagination or in reality, you gain a greater sense of control. As you face your fear without being harmed, your anxiety gradually diminishes. Cognitive-behavioral therapy and exposure therapy are types of behavioral therapy, meaning they focus on behavior rather than on underlying psychological conflicts or issues from the past. Medication for anxiety disorders If you have anxiety that’s severe enough to interfere with your ability to function, medication may help relieve your symptoms. However, anxiety medications can be habit forming and cause unwanted side effects, so be sure to research your options. Many people use anti-anxiety medication when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies would work just as well or better—minus the side effects and safety concerns. It’s important to weigh the benefits and risks of anxiety medication so you can make an informed decision. More help for anxiety How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help Tips for Relieving Anxiety, Worry, and Fear Therapy for Anxiety Disorders: Treating Your Anxiety with CBT and Other Therapy Options Anxiety Medication: What You Need to Know About Anti-Anxiety Drugs Resources and references Support organizations for anxiety disorders National Alliance on Mental Illness Information Helpline – Trained volunteers can provide information, referrals, and support for those suffering from anxiety disorders in the U.S. Call 1 (800) 950-NAMI (6264), Monday through Friday, 10 am-6 pm, Eastern time. (NAMI) Find a Therapist – Search for anxiety disorder treatment providers in the U.S. and find advice on selecting the right doctor or therapist. (Anxiety Disorders Association of America) Support Groups – List of support groups in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and South Africa. (Anxiety and Depression Association of America) Anxiety UK – Information, support, and a dedicated helpline for UK sufferers and their families. (Anxiety UK) Sangath, India – Non-profit, non-government organization providing mental health services in Goa, India. (Sangath) Anxiety Disorders, Canada – Provides links to services in different Canadian provinces. (Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada) SANE Helpline – Provides information about symptoms, treatments, medications, and where to go for support in Australia. Call: 1800 18 7263. (SANE Australia). Signs and symptoms of anxiety attacks and anxiety disorders Anxiety Disorders – Guide to the different types of anxiety disorders, their symptoms, and how to get help. (National Institute of Mental Health) Treatment options Anxiety Treatment Options – Article looks at the many treatment options for anxiety, including exercise and breathing techniques. (Better Health Channel) Psychotherapy
and Other Treatments –
Overview of therapies and complementary treatments for
anxiety. (University of Maryland Medical Center) Handling
Special Occasions Consider Whether Usual Traditions May Be Comforting or Challenging Some people find comfort in keeping their usual traditions but adapting them in some way, while others cannot imagine carrying on with their usual traditions. There is no right or wrong here — just what works for you. It is okay to take a year off from your usual traditions and decide next year if you will resume them. Keep Traditions, or Start New Ones If holding to longstanding traditions proves too painful, consider developing new family traditions. For example, if you used to cook holiday meals, make dinner into a potluck instead. Anticipating the Event Can Be Harder than the Event Itself Know that worrying about the event in the time leading up to the event is often more difficult than the event itself. Feeling anxious about a coming event does not mean the event itself will be difficult. It may be helpful to let supportive people in your life know that you are concerned about how the day will be, so they can help you figure out what may be most helpful to you. Communicate Your Needs In Advance Friends and family often want to be helpful but may need to be told what they need to do to be supportive. If you find it comfortable to talk about your loved one, or would rather grieve in a private way, talk openly with them in advance so that everyone knows what to expect. Ask them to check in with you throughout the day, if needed, and to take care of tasks that will help to reduce your stress levels. Take a Break If Needed If the event proves to be too much, talk a short walk. Make sure you have a way to leave early if you need to. Sometimes having an exit strategy can make you feel more at ease, whether you need to use it or not. If you do, communicate it to someone supportive so they know that you are okay and just in need of a break. If you are not feeling okay, it may be better to find someone to talk with privately to decide whether leaving the event would be most helpful. You may also identify someone you can call from the event if you need to, and let them know in advance you may call them if you are having a hard time. Consider Traveling If you have friends or family living in a different city, consider visiting them – a change in scenery might be helpful. Some people find planning a trip or travel gives them something else to focus on than the date itself. Volunteering is a Great Way to Heal Look online for volunteering opportunities in your area. Many people find meaning in helping others, and it’s a great way to honor your loved one or to acknowledge an important date. Sometimes Special Occasions are Just Difficult Even without the loss of a loved one, occasions like holidays can be stressful. Do the best you can, and remember that healing takes time, and the experience is different for everyone. How you feel this year may not be how you feel in future years — take it one occasion at a time. Take Care of Yourself Get enough sleep, eat well, drink
plenty of water, refrain from or limit alcohol intake, and
practice healthy self-care. Getting a regular form of
exercise, or using activities like yoga and meditation, may
help to reduce your stress during this difficult time.
Engage in activities that feel restorative to you. Strees
and Coping - CDC Everyone reacts differently to stressful situations. How you respond to the outbreak can depend on your background, the things that make you different from other people, and the community you live in. People who may respond more strongly to the stress of a crisis include
Stress during an infectious disease outbreak can include
People with preexisting mental health conditions should continue with their treatment and be aware of new or worsening symptoms. Additional information can be found at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHS) website. Taking care of yourself, your friends, and your family can help you cope with stress. Helping others cope with their stress can also make your community stronger. Things you can do to support yourself
Call your healthcare provider if stress gets in the way of your daily activities for several days in a row. Reduce stress in yourself and others Sharing the facts about COVID-19 and understanding the actual risk to yourself and people you care about can make an outbreak less stressful.. When you share accurate information about COVID-19 you can help make people feel less stressed and allow you to connect with them. Learn more about taking care of your emotional health. For parents Children and teens react, in part, on what they see from the adults around them. When parents and caregivers deal with the COVID-19 calmly and confidently, they can provide the best support for their children. Parents can be more reassuring to others around them, especially children, if they are better prepared. Not all children and teens respond to stress in the same way. Some common changes to watch for include
There are many things you can do to support your child
Learn more about helping children cope. For responders Responding to COVID-19 can take an emotional toll on you. There are things you can do to reduce secondary traumatic stress (STS) reactions:
Learn more tips for taking care of yourself during emergency response. For people who have been released from quarantine Being separated from others if a healthcare provider thinks you may have been exposed to COVID-19 can be stressful, even if you do not get sick. Everyone feels differently after coming out of quarantine. Some feelings include :
Children may also feel upset or have other strong emotions if they, or someone they know, has been released from quarantine. You can help your child cope. Resources For Everyone Coping with a Disaster or Traumatic Event For Communities
For Families and Children
For First Responders Emergency Responders: Tips for taking care of yourself Disaster Technical Assistance Center (SAMHSA) Siurce: www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prepare/managing-stress-anxiety.html Managing
Grief During a Pandemic Grief can be messy. It’s not linear, as in, “when I get through this particular feeling, I’m done with that.” It is cyclical and lingers around important events, words not said, certain songs, and moments captured like photographs in our minds. It is a place we can choose to visit or ignore, though it resides in the background as if waiting for us to notice. If you are experiencing grief right now, here are some things you might remind yourself: 1. There are different ways to say goodbye. Unexpected endings tend to bring strong emotions, often anchored in both the present and the past, when we may have felt abandoned or left behind. There are different ways to say goodbye. Write a letter to your loved one, even if you end up being the only one who sees it. If your loved one has died or is in a place you can’t visit, hold an intention for them in your mind, and say it aloud as you think of them throughout the day. One of my favorites is, “May you feel my love for you and be surrounded by peace.” 2. The last sentence of the book doesn’t rewrite the entire story.” Years ago, following the loss of someone dear to me, a wise person shared these words with me. It reminded me that even though I was unable to be with my loved one when he died, I had a book full of lines to draw upon that were the story of our life together and of our relationship. Many of those lines were expressions of our love, moments we shared together, conversations and memories. Remembering these feelings and these moments is how we get a sense of who the individual was; who we were with them; and what the relationship was—all of which surpasses their final moments. Right now is a good time to reflect on those earlier, better memories as best as you can, to remind yourself of the full picture of their lives and your connection. 3. Connections can deepen over time, even after loss. My father died 14 years ago this week. In the early days and weeks following his death, all I could remember was the image of him sick, and the trauma I associated with that. As time passed, my memories of him unexpectedly became richer and more accessible than they were in those early days. The images of him being sick began to fade away. I can now more easily remember his laugh and his jokes, and recognize the similarity between my daughter’s eyes and his. I also feel more connected to how he must have felt as a parent, now that I am one, myself. These are newer, deeper connections to my father, ones I couldn’t have anticipated at the time he died. 4. You are not alone in your grief. Know that others are also experiencing grief right now, and that there is support available. Online grief support, and grief support provided by mental health professionals, hospice centers and faith groups are all accessible to you, many via telehealth and other virtual platforms. You can learn about options for grief support by connecting to your local mental health providers, faith organizations or hospice, or through one of the following national resources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1800 273-TALK (8255); Crisis Text Line: text SOS to 741741. If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one to suicide, even one that occurred prior to COVID-19, Please know, at this time, that others
who have traveled the roads of grief are here for you and
can serve as guides. Look to them for hope, healing and
comfort during this difficult time, and know that days are
ahead of you in which the intensity of your grief will be
lessened, and replaced by loving
memories. Know Fear: What am I afraid to say I'm afraid of? - Gordon Clay The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper. - Aristotle It is said that if you ask a man how he feels, he'll tell you what he thinks. Please honor that. What I think is important to me and often telling you that will teach me what I feel. Who Was That Masked Man Anyway? by Kenneth Byers If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. Julia Sorel 1926- For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive. - Havelock Ellis Happiness is an illusion; only suffering is real. - Voltaire
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